by Jackie Tomasini | Aug 13, 2022 | Trauma
“People who laugh the most have experienced the most pain” – Unkown
The first time I saw this picture I thought to myself: “Oh my God, that’s me!”. It stopped me dead in my tracks and burned its image in my mind. It connected with the “me” that learned long ago to protect myself with some things I saw as assets, such as humor and analytical thinking, in order to survive the life I was living.
It is safety and connection that I believe we all crave. When those needs are not met we are faced with choices- “How will I fill this need?…eat?…drugs?…alcohol?…sex?
The names Robin Williams, Chris Cornell, and Chester Bennington all invoke sadness and questions. Did they each struggle to connect with others as I have? Were their sensitivities and views of life just too hard to articulate? Is this what ultimately drove them to a point of not seeing a reason to keep living? I am only speculating. One thing I do know is that depression is blinding, like a thick black fog, consuming everything on the ground and taking away all perspective, and covering all the beacons of light. It is safety and connection that I believe we all crave. When those needs are not met we are faced with choices- “How will I fill this need?…eat?…drugs?…alcohol?…sex?…..end the search?…”
I find that making connection is not difficult to do. To me, the pain comes in not being able to maintain it. Some relationships last a week, a few months, years, or a lifetime. In all my relationships I can only be accountable for myself as the common denominator in all of them. That person inside my head sometimes retreats and ruminates over careless and sharp words spoken, and of things she wishes had been spoken. Rather than trying to erase uncomfortable memories, I find that acknowledging and letting those thoughts breathe, is how I find peace, and change into something better.
I learned to use laughter as a defense mechanism to get me through tough situations. Unfortunately, the hard feelings got tamped down, giving me a false sense of safety and validation.
We all need the same thing – someone willing to sit with us in those dark hours without answers. It is in the sitting and the being there that provides the answer.
I find some of my saltiness and defensiveness from the past no longer serves me well. Instead, humility and humanity are things to share with others who have my best interests in mind and who don’t make me feel like hiding, but rather acknowledging the person behind the defenses for who they really are. To see with compassion, understanding, and a willingness to connect.
I wish I could’ve talked to some of those who committed suicide, who decided life had no hope, or light, and were exhausted from laughing on the outside, but crying on the inside. That is an unsustainable task. Sometimes we all get to a point where all feels lost. I can’t imagine the loss some have experienced and the amount of grief that it generates. I know we all need the same thing – someone willing to sit with us in those dark hours without answers. It is in the sitting and being there that provides the answer.
What is the difference between the day I first saw that picture and now? I acknowledge I was the one crying on the inside, but only felt safe to show the laughing “me” on the outside. I sometimes feel overwhelming waves of truth mingled with tears melting away denial and excuses – a relief that lightens my load. I’m not ashamed of who I was or who I’m becoming. Eventually, it will all be made whole and I’ll see a portrait instead of an unfinished puzzle and maybe you will too….
by Jackie Tomasini | Aug 7, 2022 | Spiritual, Uncategorized
Are we called to care or are we called to carry? Or, is there another calling that is not rooted in caring or carrying that’s simply known as a legitimate personal responsibility? In a world where things are deemed good or bad, to include people, it’s easy to fall into the trap of doing good deeds. Good deeds become burdens we carry because we care. Are these deeds laid on our shoulders by God or are they items/ideals we accumulate in the quest for meaning, purpose and refinement in order to appear and feel good?
Anything not light is not from Christ. Anything beyond light is born of pride and human reasoning. A do-gooder attitude is contrary to His yoke.
Jesus says, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light” Matthew 11:28-30 NLT.
What does it mean to carry a heavy burden? The definition of carry, as a verb, includes to “support and move from one place to another…have on one’s person and take with one wherever one goes…be infected with and liable to transmit to others…support the weight of…assume or accept (responsibility or blame)”. Jesus says his yoke is light. Therefore, in Him, I will not carry a heavy load. But shouldn’t I carry the load of all things I care about? What does it mean to care? To care, as a noun, is the provision of what is necessary for the health, welfare, maintenance, and protection of someone or something. As a verb it refers to “feeling concern or interest…look after and provide for the needs of”.
Some of us take on responsibilities that belong to others because it seems helpful or like the “nice” or “right” thing to do. We start out excited to ‘help’, but quickly become embittered and resentful when carrying someone else’s responsibilities. Then, we blame God and wonder why He makes life so hard.
I liken this to a hiker preparing for a long, arduous trail, which is led by a professional guide. The guide has done this hike many times and gives instructions on how to train, plan, and pack for it. He says, “bring a pack of food and water and protection from the rain and sun no heavier than fifteen pounds”. “Fifteen pounds?!” replies the hiker. “That’s not enough”. So, the hiker puts extra food and water and supplies in the pack ‘just in case’ and thinks “I will have extra to share as well”. The hiker sets out on the steep trail with the group and about a third of the way in he wants to quit. The 55 pound pack has changed the entire experience. It feels impossible. The hiker realizes there’s food provided along the trail and pure fresh water streams to refill the bottles. He now has to make a choice to either continue by lightening the pack and removing 40 pounds of weight, or quit and turn back.
Perhaps the hiker is too proud or embarrassed to admit his lack of trust and to follow instructions. Or, maybe he will humble himself, lighten his load, and share his adventure, and experience with the group by moving onward to the finish.
What is in your pack? Is it heavy? Unpack it. Assess it. What seems good, but is actually sapping your joy and strength? What are you carrying in false guilt and thinking you “should” be carrying it. What is in there that’s someone else’s responsibility? Lighten the load. Anything not light is not from Christ. Anything beyond light is born of pride and human reasoning. A do-gooder attitude is contrary to His yoke. Only God is good. Our deeds are not good and should be born of obedience not in an attempt to be good.
In a world of doing we are called to being. Be a light. Be obedient. Be responsible. Carry a light load. Be free. There’s nothing we can do to be these things. We can only receive the truth and live free as a result. Today is a good day to decide trusting God and His provision is far better than carrying loads He didn’t give us.
by Jackie Tomasini | Aug 7, 2022 | Spiritual
“Sojourners; you are sojourners”. That is what I heard in my spirit after asking God where to start with Him. I am starting a new chapter in life with Him, along with my new husband. We married on 12/31/21. In that short time since then, I’ve sold my house and moved into a temporary housing arrangement. We are starting the process of building a house. In the move I found that my daily time with God has been sporadic and even non-existent some days, except for the on-the-go prayers and short devotionals spent with my husband. My daily quiet time with God has become necessary for my well-being and sense of stability at this stage of life. So as I re-calibrate in my temporary housing, I am asking God, “Okay, now what?”.
As a sojourner, I am reminded of Abraham who was instructed to leave his land, and all that was familiar to him, in order to follow after God and the blessings that were to be his inheritance
I’m finding that the house building process has many spiritual metaphors and life lessons in it. As a sojourner, I am reminded of Abraham who was instructed to leave his land, and all that was familiar to him, in order to follow after God and the blessings that were to be his inheritance. In faith, he packed and moved. So many facts and parts of the story are left out in the short chapters and books of the Bible. For example, we don’t know the full context of how the days were spent on his move, or of his daily attitude. We only know the highlights. That’s why it’s easy to project into the stories of the Bible from our own life and experiences. We easily project from the wellspring of our own lives to include our amount of faith and depth of experiences we have had, or have not had, with God and with His people.
In a quick Google search I find that to be a sojourner means “to spend the day… a temporary resident”. A “temporary resident”; someone who is not tied to one place. There is no sense of permanence. There is a sense of freedom in that, yet, simultaneously there is a lack of sense of belonging. In this time of mental shifting, I am reminded that it is the body of Christ that keeps us tied down to God’s will and displays to us who He is. I see that trying to live life in Christ, without being anchored in Godly loving relationships that hold us accountable, is like setting up a tent without properly staking it into the ground. It wouldn’t be long before the wind would blow it away.
Being a temporary resident seems foreign in a culture where 30-year mortgages are commonplace, and even, seemingly expected, The truth is that even if we, as part of God’s body of believers, live in one house for our entire life we are still a sojourner. This earth is not our home. It is a temporary residence. I cannot grasp eternity even though I’m an eternal being. I know there have been days that felt as though they passed quickly, and days that have felt slow, and seemed to never end. Time appears to be relevant to our excitement, boredom, or other emotions, when in reality it’s relevant to God. A day to Him is as a 1,000 years. I don’t believe this to be literal, rather, a metaphor. In other words, time is only relevant to God’s being. He is eternal and who are we to judge time? We were given the sun, moon, and 24 hours per day for our own benefit, for order, scheduling, and planning.
As a sojourner, time seems to be spent on things that work towards the future. I’m more intentional about my steps and days. I’m not settled, though I’m working towards it. However, the problem with settling is the possibility of getting too comfortable. Being a sojourner is uncomfortable. It’s a time of trials showing you what is convenient, what is necessary, and unnecessary. It’s a time of refinement, reflection, and of cutting loose extra baggage.
I was mute with silence, I held my peace even from good; And my sorrow was stirred up. My heart was hot within me
Earth is a place of soul seeking and for getting our spirits right with God. It’s a preparatory time for our eternal home where we’ll no longer be sojourners. David prayed for wisdom and forgiveness in Psalm 39. It seems he was painfully aware of his humanity and limitations and realized he was just passing through on this earth. He says “I was mute with silence, I held my peace even from good; And my sorrow was stirred up. My heart was hot within me; While I was musing, the fire burned. Then I spoke with my tongue: “Lord, make me to know my end, And what is the measure of my days, That I may know how frail I am. Indeed, You have made my days as handbreadths, And my age is as nothing before You; Certainly every man at his best state is but vapor…(2-5), ”Hear my prayer, O Lord, And give ear to my cry; Do not be silent at my tears; For I am a stranger with You, A sojourner, as all my fathers were. Remove Your gaze from me, that I may regain strength, Before I go away and am no more,” (Ps. 39:12-13). I pray, too, that my strength comes from God as I am a sojourner here and admit my frailty to Him in this earthly journey.
God had a sanctuary built where He could dwell among us as stated in Exodus 25:8: “And let them make Me a sanctuary, that I may dwell among them.” Christ, later, separated the veil in that holy place, in that sanctuary, so that we can boldly approach the throne of God by faith in His Son. We are now His temple. I like the following teaching that I found online regarding wandering and being a dwelling place of God:
“As the Israelites wandered in the desert, God wanted to inhabit a place with His people” (Exodus 25:8). At that time, the people lived in portable tents, so the presence of God dwelling in the tent of the wilderness tabernacle (Exodus 27:21; 40:34–38). His presence was the guiding force that told the people when to stay put and when to pull up stakes and continue on their journey (Exodus 40:34–38). Later, after the Hebrew people entered the Promised Land and lived in fixed dwellings, God affixed His name to a place, sanctifying Solomon’s temple as the Lord’s holy dwelling place (1 Kings 8:10–11).
In the New Testament, God’s presence was manifested in a new way: in the person of Jesus Christ—the Logos, who is the living, incarnate, eternal Word of God (John 1:1–4, 14–18). The Logos took on human flesh and made His home among us. Through the life and ministry of Jesus Christ, God lived among His people. His name is Immanuel, meaning “God with us” (Isaiah 7:14; Matthew 1:21–23).
Jesus Christ became the new earthly temple of God (John 2:21). “For in Christ lives all the fullness of God in a human body,” says Colossians 2:9 (NLT; see also Colossians 1:19). The complete image of the invisible God is revealed in Jesus our Savior (Colossians 1:15). Yet Christ is only the initial installment of God’s indwelling presence.”
I am reminded that I need the body of Christ and in Him is where I am joined together. I’m built up in love, truth, and held together by grace and His strength. In short, I need Christ in you. You need me, yet not I, but you need Christ in me. It’s humbling. It’s truth. It is the Way. May we walk in transparency and love and be living vessels in His service from one sojourner to another.
by Jackie Tomasini | Aug 7, 2022 | Spiritual, Uncategorized
“You are the salt of the earth”- Matthew 5:13. This seems so poetic, but, what does it mean? Salt is a chemical compound of sodium and chloride. Together the elements create a flavor for food making it much more desirable. It’s also a needed mineral for electrical conduction “especially in the brain, nervous system, and muscles, (which) require electrical signals for communication”(https://www.medicinenet.com/electrolytes/article.htm). Too much salt and it creates dehydration. Too little salt and the body cannot retain enough water. Salt is quite complex that way. It is essential to maintain osmotic pressure and to regulate the amount of water that’s available in the body. So, when Christ says, “you are the salt of the earth”, what is He really saying? You add flavor? You maintain proper water balance? You conduct electricity? I suppose in a sense we could answer ‘yes’ to all these questions. We have the ability to conduct power as a vessel of the Holy Spirit. When we obey and submit, God’s power is given permission to ‘conduct’ through us. When we are careful with the words we choose to speak, we allow for wisdom to ‘change’ minds and cause people to re-think their ways and beliefs.
When we speak wisely, as Christ leads us to, we create thirst in the hearer. They become thirsty for more truth, understanding and clarity.
The body is rich in defense mechanisms that send signals to help maintain homeostasis. Thirst is one such mechanism. Too much salt creates a thirsty sensation telling the body it needs water to dilute the over-abundance of salt. Our speech and actions can leave people thirsty for more just as a salty meal leaves us thirsty for water. When we speak wisely, as Christ leads us to, we create thirst in the hearer. They become thirsty for more truth, understanding and clarity. Salt is a compound. It is the culmination of two elements; sodium and chloride. The bond between the two is what makes much human metabolism possible. The bond is a metaphor for how we are to join in thought with Christ. As we do, that bond creates “salt” in our speech. Our thoughts clear, our beliefs become challenged and refined, our knowledge gets sorted and weeded through. That bond with Christ is like sodium bonding with chloride. Without that bond we do not have the power to conduct ‘electricity’, we are flavorless, and we cannot retain water.
In Christ’s Spirit, the bonds of sin are broken and new bonds of life are formed. Old things (unhealthy soul ties) pass away, and new, Godly ties are formed. So, when Christ says “You are the salt of the earth”, perhaps he is saying that you create thirst in people. Christ’s answer to that thirst is the living water. It is the living water that provides a continual source of life. The Holy Spirit is continually available to lead, guide, cleanse and fulfill just as a spring spews forth clean water from within the earth. The source never depletes, is never defiled, and is always available to cleanse. We are vessels meant to use speech that creates thirst for the living water. What a beautiful thing, yet, what a responsibility. May we steward that well and enjoy the journey.
